SORRY: It Doesn’t Have to Be the Hardest Word

It wasn’t worth sustaining that negative energy.

So, does love really mean never having to say you’re sorry?

“We’re all imperfect people, and we inevitably hurt the ones we love. Whenever there’s been an infringement in the relationship, both the victim and the perpetrator bear considerable psychological burdens until the atonement-redemption cycle is complete. In other words, the apologizing-and-forgiving process is the cement that mends the broken relationship.”

— David Ludden,

PhD., Psychology Today

In his book Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married, best-selling author Gary Chapman identifies five “apology languages”: 

1. Expressing regret (“I’m sorry”)
2. Accepting responsibility (“I was wrong”)
3. Making restitution (“I want to make it right”)
4. Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behaviour (“I don’t like this about me”)
5. Requesting forgiveness (“Will you forgive me?”)

I’ve learned that the only healthy response to an apology is forgiveness.

“Forgiveness presupposes that a wrong has been committed,” writes Chapman. “Irritations do not call for forgiveness; rather they call for negotiation. However, when one of you speaks or behaves unkindly to the other, it calls for an apology and forgiveness in order to process hurt and restore love in the relationship.”

If you have been hurt or betrayed by someone, and you hold on to the pain for a very long time, then “you are drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die.” You are continuing to hurt yourself by focusing on the grievance and not letting it go. The offender is no longer hurting you. They no longer play a part in your story unless you give them a leading role. Forgiveness allows you to take back your power, let go of the anger and pain, release all negative energy and feelings, and find peace and healing.

“It is often easier to blame someone than to repair a relationship. With our eyes focused on their mistakes, we don’t have to look at ourselves and our issues. Living in the hurt keeps us perpetual victims; in forgiveness we transcend the hurt. We don’t have to be permanently wounded by anyone or anything.”

— Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, Life Lessons

Another way of assessing the situation is to ask yourself: 

Is this a hill to die on? 

Will this matter 5 years from now? 

5 days from now? 5 minutes from now?

Jason and I have been married for five years, and in those five years we’ve had plenty of opportunities to mess up and clean up those messes, individually and collectively. 

Here are The Marry Men’s Eight ATEs:

1. Navigate those difficult moments with love. Always come from a place of love, never anger. 

2. Contemplate the way your behaviour is contributing to the conflict.

3. Collaborate to find solutions that will work for both of you. 

4. Communicate with your partner. Shutting down shuts off the channels of communication. 

5. Advocate for yourself and your feelings. You deserve to be respected. 

6. Validate each other’s feelings. 

7. Do your best to eliminate the behaviour that triggers your partner. 

8. Celebrate and congratulate each other on the progress you have made.

Once you become more compassionate with and considerate of one another, you will appreciate each other more and reaffirm the reason you chose to dedicate your lives to each other. 

It’s better to let your partner who admits an error feel better after doing so, not feel worse. If he or she comes to you with an apology, or even just a small “oops…”, think about what you might say to help them feel okay about their lapse, rather than telling them all the reasons why it really inconvenienced you, or made you look bad, or upset you.

Immediately following our quarrel, Jason and I both acknowledged how each of us was feeling. We agreed to nip it in the bud, lay it out on the table, and hash it out. And that’s what we did. And then we laughed. 

“Sorry” really can be the easiest word you ever say… or sing.