Author: adminmm

Back in 1998, a film called PATCH ADAMS starring the late and great Robin Williams told the true story of Dr. Hunter “Patch” Adams, a medical doctor and clown who believes that laughter, joy, and creativity are an integral part of the healing process.

Biologically we know many of the amazing benefits of laughter. It lessens physical pain, improves mood, speeds up healing, and increases resilience. It does the same for our relationships.

Humour disarms. Humour relaxes. Humour releases negative energy.

The eminent psychologist on laughter, Robert Provine, Ph.D., of the University of Maryland, suggests that laughter isn’t really about humour. He contends that it’s more about relationships. When two people share a chuckle, they experience the relationship itself to be emotionally strong. People actually laugh more in conversation and through interaction.

Marriage is an enormous commitment, one that occupies a huge part of your life. A happy marriage can mean you have a partner to share that life with and experience together all the joys and hardships that come with it.

Jason and I love one another, but we also annoy each other more than we ever thought possible. But we still want to spend every irritating minute with one another, because we’ve learned to find the humour in every moment. We’ve learned to smile through our challenges and laugh our way through our troubles. Through humour, you can soften some of the worst blows that life can deliver. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you find a way to survive it. 

Several years ago, I was a student of the ancient Kabbalah – a science and philosophy that studies human nature. Kabbalah teaches that there is only one cause of all of life’s problems: humanity’s ever-growing egoism.

“Our egos keep us wrapped in a kind of cocoon, oblivious to the world outside our own. They create separation by preventing us from seeing the pain or needs of others. When we begin to understand that there is more to this life than our own experiences, that we are all influenced by the actions of those around us, we can begin to break out of the prison of the ego.”

— Rabbi Michael Berg, The Kabbalah Center

Painful experiences leave us feeling vulnerable—an opportune time for the ego because it creates its identity around pain. That’s what it knows. That’s what it’s comfortable with and that’s the language it understands. It wants to keep identifying with that negativity because then it has an identity.

If you feel physical sensations of anxiety, tension, fear, or anger, you are talking to the ego. If you feel physical sensations of lightness, love, energy, happiness, etc., you are talking to the higher self.

“The ego seeks to divide and separate. Spirit seeks to unify and heal.” 

— Pema Chödrön

It wasn’t worth sustaining that negative energy.

So, does love really mean never having to say you’re sorry?

“We’re all imperfect people, and we inevitably hurt the ones we love. Whenever there’s been an infringement in the relationship, both the victim and the perpetrator bear considerable psychological burdens until the atonement-redemption cycle is complete. In other words, the apologizing-and-forgiving process is the cement that mends the broken relationship.”

— David Ludden,

PhD., Psychology Today

In his book Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married, best-selling author Gary Chapman identifies five “apology languages”: 

1. Expressing regret (“I’m sorry”)
2. Accepting responsibility (“I was wrong”)
3. Making restitution (“I want to make it right”)
4. Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behaviour (“I don’t like this about me”)
5. Requesting forgiveness (“Will you forgive me?”)

I’ve learned that the only healthy response to an apology is forgiveness.

“Forgiveness presupposes that a wrong has been committed,” writes Chapman. “Irritations do not call for forgiveness; rather they call for negotiation. However, when one of you speaks or behaves unkindly to the other, it calls for an apology and forgiveness in order to process hurt and restore love in the relationship.”

If you have been hurt or betrayed by someone, and you hold on to the pain for a very long time, then “you are drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die.” You are continuing to hurt yourself by focusing on the grievance and not letting it go. The offender is no longer hurting you. They no longer play a part in your story unless you give them a leading role. Forgiveness allows you to take back your power, let go of the anger and pain, release all negative energy and feelings, and find peace and healing.

“It is often easier to blame someone than to repair a relationship. With our eyes focused on their mistakes, we don’t have to look at ourselves and our issues. Living in the hurt keeps us perpetual victims; in forgiveness we transcend the hurt. We don’t have to be permanently wounded by anyone or anything.”

— Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, Life Lessons

Another way of assessing the situation is to ask yourself: 

Is this a hill to die on? 

Will this matter 5 years from now? 

5 days from now? 5 minutes from now?

Jason and I have been married for five years, and in those five years we’ve had plenty of opportunities to mess up and clean up those messes, individually and collectively. 

Here are The Marry Men’s Eight ATEs:

1. Navigate those difficult moments with love. Always come from a place of love, never anger. 

2. Contemplate the way your behaviour is contributing to the conflict.

3. Collaborate to find solutions that will work for both of you. 

4. Communicate with your partner. Shutting down shuts off the channels of communication. 

5. Advocate for yourself and your feelings. You deserve to be respected. 

6. Validate each other’s feelings. 

7. Do your best to eliminate the behaviour that triggers your partner. 

8. Celebrate and congratulate each other on the progress you have made.

Once you become more compassionate with and considerate of one another, you will appreciate each other more and reaffirm the reason you chose to dedicate your lives to each other. 

It’s better to let your partner who admits an error feel better after doing so, not feel worse. If he or she comes to you with an apology, or even just a small “oops…”, think about what you might say to help them feel okay about their lapse, rather than telling them all the reasons why it really inconvenienced you, or made you look bad, or upset you.

Immediately following our quarrel, Jason and I both acknowledged how each of us was feeling. We agreed to nip it in the bud, lay it out on the table, and hash it out. And that’s what we did. And then we laughed. 

“Sorry” really can be the easiest word you ever say… or sing. 

“Lots of reasons exist for why opposites attract when sharing a partnership, one of which is the excitement of exploring the unknown. But, when you have too many similarities, what is there to learn? There’s little adventure or challenge, leaving little room for fun.” 

— Sylvia Smith, marriage.com

Relationships are full of triggers. 

Our partners will push our buttons. 

Our wives will try our patience. 

Our husbands will piss us off. 

There will be times when their words and actions are unwarranted, unwanted, unkind, and, frankly,

unacceptable. 

They will frustrate, irritate, and aggravate.

I’m not easy to live with. I’m fully aware that I have habits and behaviours that are infuriating and even intolerable.  

My husband reminds me of these annoyances every so often – things I do (or don’t do), how I do or don’t do those things, even some of the sounds I make!

And then there’s my temper. I inherited it from my dad. “Like father like son” is never truer than when it comes to my capacity to lose my cool when things don’t go my way. 

I’m impatient and anger easily, usually over the most trivial of things. I often react rather than respond when faced with a situation I feel I no longer have control over. 

The running joke in our household involves me putting up a “For Sale” on the front lawn every time something goes wrong. Internet went then? Put up the “For Sale” sign. Furnace not working? Put up the “For Sale” sign. Can’t find the Keurig coffee filters? Put up the “For Sale” sign. The hubster gets a kick out of it. 

I admit it. I’m impatient and anger easily, usually over the most trivial of things. I often react rather than respond when faced with a situation I feel I no longer have control over.

Love: A Tale as Old as Time

For us, officiating a wedding has always been more than speaking the words, signing the paperwork, and facilitating the formalities. For us, it’s always been about telling a story. 

Every good story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. We like to walk with our couples from their “once upon a time” and make sure they take the right steps towards their “happily ever after.”

That’s why, prior to their big day, it’s important for us to get to know our couple. To do so, we schedule our signature JaM (Jason and Mike) Session™ – an informal meeting and relaxed conversation that allows both of us to connect with the couple and learn about their beginnings. It also gives us a sense of where each of them is coming from and where they see themselves going, as individuals and in married life.

While only one of us will end up officiating the wedding ceremony, we use this as an opportunity to discover whether or not there is a chemistry between us and the couple; a mutual connection that will make it easier to solicit and share their story. In a way, we gauge whether it’s “love at first sight” and “a match made in heaven” between officiant and couple. 

For many, the journey of marriage is primarily about having their own needs met. Some look to see what they can get out of a relationship rather than what they can put into it. 

As a couple journeys together in marriage, there are bound to be wrong turns, unplanned detours, even dead ends. The couple might get lost or find themselves in uncharted territory. 

At times, the journey can be a smooth ride or an uphill climb. 

No one can completely map out their marriage journey because life is unpredictable.

But there are things couples can do to make sure their relationship is ready for whatever comes their way.

Here are some tips provided by the Marriage Dynamics Institute from seasoned travellers to encourage you on your “marry” way.

Create ritual connections

Find something that represents you as a couple and make it your thing. It could be as simple as a standing date for Friday morning coffee and conversation, or perhaps Saturday night board games.

Rituals can deepen and strengthen your connection to each other. Some couples enjoy rituals that everyone can see, like wearing color coordinated outfits. Don’t laugh. That would be us!

Cher and Demetris (22 years)

What you say matters

Show respect to each other both in public and in private.  What you say about your spouse should show respect when you are with others, whether your spouse is present or not. And your words and actions toward your spouse should demonstrate respect when it’s just the two of you. Being respectful toward your spouse not only builds trust, it nourishes love.

Owen and Lauren (25 years)

Some of those people may stay for a lifetime; others may only stay for a short while.

It is often the people who stay for only a short time that end up making a lasting impression on our lives and in our hearts. 

We don’t always know or appreciate the purpose they serve in our lives until it is too late. We allow some to break our hearts. We allow others to break our spirits. Some inflict physical or emotional pain. Others abandon us in our time of need. Some simply walk away without cause or reason.

I’ve always valued the wisdom of this anonymous quote:

There comes a point in your life when you realize: Who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will. So, don’t worry about people from your past. There’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future. 

Although we may not realize it at the time, they will make a difference and change our lives in a way we could never imagine. Coming to the realization that one person can have such a profound effect on your life is truly a blessing. 

It is because of these encounters that we learn some of life’s most profound lessons and, in turn, even learn a little more about ourselves.

But there is always one person that joins us on our journey and forever changes our story by becoming a part of it. 

They are our greatest discovery. 

They are the treasure we have been on a quest to find. 

They are the priceless diamond that we have mined in order for them to “be mine.”

When you find the one who is drawn to your light and allows you to shine, do the same for them. 

When you find the one who sees your flaws and failures and accepts you because of them, do the same for them. 

When you find the one who forces you to look at yourself honestly and see yourself perfectly, do the same for them. 

When you find the one who stands up for you when you are down and stands by you through it all, do the same for them. 

When you find the one who is encouraging and empowering, patient and forgiving, and the one you can see spending the rest of your life with, be the same for them. 

What you do for another, you do for yourself.  

“Everything in life is fleeting, and nothing lasts forever – neither the sublime nor the horrible. So don’t trade your happiness for either one.”

— Arthur Jeon, Sex, Love, and Dharma

And if you’re waiting for your family to find you the right partner, you may have better luck. 

While arranged marriages might be a foreign concept in Canada and much of the Western world, they are a fairly common practice in other parts of the world. In fact, 55% of marriages that happen across the globe today are arranged marriages.

Some 26% of unmarried Canadians (15% of adults overall) are currently in common-law relationships. According to the 2017 General Social Survey (GSS), 39% of married 25 to 64 year olds lived common law with their current spouse before tying the knot.

Most Canadians would be more likely to get married if the price of a wedding wasn’t so high. Fully six-in-ten (61%) agree with the statement, “More people would get married if weddings weren’t so expensive and stressful,” and agreement rises to three-quarters (74%) among those in the prime age group for first marriages (18-34). 

Future of Marriage: What Lies Ahead?

A lot of people, especially young adults, are less likely to see marriage as an integral component for a happy and fulfilling life. The increase in women’s economic and social independence and society’s acceptance for nontraditional lifestyles have caused marriage to rank behind advanced degrees or fulfilling jobs. At the same time, countless couples are remaining single or co-habitating due to high debt, unstable jobs, among other financial challenges, making marriage increasingly more for the rich and educated.

Because it does take effort to be single.It does require courage and resilience to navigate the complicated dating world in our pursuit of that one missing piece.Ay, but there’s the rub. The proverbial “missing piece of the puzzle” is not really missing. It just hasn’t been found yet. If you continue to search, you may very well find what you’re looking for. If you choose to stop the search, that someone may just find you. That’s part of the fun of putting this crazy puzzle together. Staring at the void isn’t going to fill it. Wishing that the puzzle was complete isn’t suddenly going to make it so.

It’s often good to take a step back and look at the bigger picture; to see the wholeness that is already there. To look at what’s already perfect in our perceived imperfection. To recognize how much in our lives is already complete and to avoid focusing on what is not.

That feeling of absence is really a wake-up call that alerts us to the fact that we are disconnected from ourselves.If the relationship we have with ourselves feels insufficient or incomplete, then we must first address that brokenness before we can commit ourselves to a relationship with someone else.

“The purpose of relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness.” 

(Neale Donald Walsch) 

There’s a moment in the film Jerry McGuire when Tom Cruise is looking intently at Renee Zellwegger, tears welling up in his eyes, and he says to her with great tenderness, “You complete me.”