ForGIVEness: The Gift You Give Yourself
Being able to forgive and to let go of past hurts is a critical tool in maintaining a healthy marriage. In fact, forgiving and letting go may be one of the most important ways to keep you and your marriage going strong.
Several years ago, I read a book called Forgiveness by Gerald G. Jampolsky, founder of the Center for Attitudinal Healing. In it he writes that forgiveness frees us from the imprisoning past and from our own self-judgments. Those who are enslaved to the unforgiving mind of the ego usually suffer the consequences of anxiety, misery, weakness, and despair.
Forgiving does not require forgetting. Forgiving is not letting someone walk all over you. It’s not allowing someone to get away with it. “I think the first step is to understand that forgiveness does not exonerate the perpetrator. Forgiveness liberates the victim. It’s a gift you give yourself.”
— T. D. Jakes
When you forgive, you’re saying to yourself and to the Universe that you will not be held back by what happened. You let go of the perception that you need to hold a grievance for the rest of your life. But holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It makes no sense.
“Holding a grudge does no one any good, and rarely achieves the result of hurting or damaging the one you cannot forgive. The only one who gets hurt or damaged by your holding a grudge is you.”
— Neale Donald Walsch, CWG
The lesson here is: Never be a prisoner of your past. It was just a lesson, not a life sentence.
“Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.”
— Bruce Lee
LET IT GO!
It’s important that when faced with any situation in our lives and especially in our relationships, that we let go of the expectations we might have of any particular outcome.
The problem of unmet expectations in marriage is primarily a problem of stereotyping,” writes renowned author and therapist
M. Scott Peck.
Each and every human being on this planet is a unique person. Since marriage is inevitably a relationship between two unique people, no one marriage is going to be exactly like any other.”
Sadly, many people get into relationships to see what they can get out of them rather than ask what they can put into them.
How many couples get married with high expectations and explicit visions of what a “good” marriage should look like and be like?
How many couples then struggle to force that vision of a relationship to fit the stereotype of “the perfect marriage”?
How many more couples suffer from a neurotic guilt and anger when they fail to live up to those expectations?
How many marriages dissolve because of mistrust and a lack of giving and accepting forgiveness?
The lesson here is:
Never have expectations.
Expectations can lead to disappointments. Have hopes. Goals. Plans. Dreams. But let go of the expectation of achieving a particular outcome.
We all have someone to forgive; someone who has disappointed, betrayed, abandoned or hurt us in some way. For married couples, it’s practically impossible that we haven’t wounded each other at some time. But those wounds can be healed.
“Forgiveness isn’t healing in itself but is the first essential step,”
write Francine and Byron Pirola.
“Once we forgive, healing becomes possible. But failing to forgive doesn’t protect us from further hurt. In fact, it primes us for further hurt.”
For example, if we are hurt emotionally by our partner or if our spouse has done something seemingly unforgivable to us, the resentment keeps us in a heightened defence mode — we are primed and alert for the hurt to happen again. Everything our spouse does is now viewed through the lens of this expectation and soon, even minor infractions, become evidence of systematic pattern of being hurt.
Only forgiveness can help remedy this.
There is simply no circumstance where refusing to forgive would be to our benefit. Forgiveness is a personal gift we give to ourselves – it is the gift of freedom. So, cry, forgive, learn, move on. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.
The lesson here is: Marriage, like other close relationships, needs forgiveness to thrive. Remember that everyone makes mistakes. We all have bad or grumpy days. Most of us occasionally say things we don’t mean. Everyone needs to forgive and to be forgiven. Forgiveness is not a justice issue; it’s a heart issue.
Unforgivable or unforgettable?
“Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know…”
— Sarah McLachlan, Fallen
We’ve all said and done things that some may consider unforgivable. Certainly, we’ve had our share of experiences that are unforgettable.
But human nature compels us to dwell on the unforgivable and forget the unforgettable. We hold on to the things that hurt us and dismiss the things that brought joy and happiness and call them memories.
We’ve all heard the admonition “you need to forgive and forget.” We were told to turn the other cheek and give offenders another chance.
Forgiving and forgetting is great in theory, but in reality it’s difficult. Psychologist Kurt Smith suggests there are four reasons why it’s important to forgive but not to forget.
- Forgiving is critical to our emotional health.
By refusing to forgive someone, we’re choosing to hold on to all the anger and bitterness that their actions have created. Instead we choose to forgive those who have hurt us because we cannot fully let go of the destructive emotions inside of us until we do. - We can learn from past experiences.
We need to take what we can learn, be mindful of the lesson, and move on. This may mean moving on with or without the person who hurt us. - Forgiving can strengthen our relationships.
The act of forgiving strengthens people’s commitment to a healthy relationship. And they become more committed to not allowing divisive and hurtful conflicts to occur in the future. - We safeguard ourselves from being a victim of the same offense again.
It’s not OK to dwell on what happened and rehash it regularly. Instead, we need to remember what happened to us in order to avoid letting it happen again. Just because we have forgiven someone doesn’t mean that we’ll choose to keep them in our lives. Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is forgive them and then move on without them.
Let’s remember the wise words of visionary Sam Harris,
“Forgiveness is a fucking miracle.”