It’s Not All About You!
We keep making mistakes, even the same ones over and over again.
We say “no” when we should say “yes.”
We say “yes” when we should say “no.”
Sometimes we accidentally say the right thing at the right moment without even realizing it, then forget what matters, then show tenderness when it’s needed, and then turn around and think of ourselves way too often.
We mess up, we fess up. We say sorry. We fall, we get back up. Repeat.
We continue to be individuals who need a lot of work. And when you’re married to another individual who needs a lot of work, then you both have your work cut out for you.
What’s the source of all this endless work we find ourselves having to do on ourselves and our relationships? The EGO.
Ego is your identity of what you believe you are. It is not your true self but what you believe yourself to be. The picture of the apple demonstrates this. How it sees itself is different than how it really is. The ego lies to us and these lies are easy to believe because ther protect us and keep us comfortable.
“When I have enough money, I’ll be truly happy.”
“I don’t need anyone. Total independence is absolute freedom.”
“I may not be perfect, but I’m better than they are.”
Several years ago, I was a student of the ancient Kabbalah – a science and philosophy that studies human nature. Kabbalah teaches that there is only one cause of all of life’s problems: humanity’s ever-growing egoism.
“Our egos keep us wrapped in a kind of cocoon, oblivious to the world outside our own. They create separation by preventing us from seeing the pain or needs of others. When we begin to understand that there is more to this life than our own experiences, that we are all influenced by the actions of those around us, we can begin to break out of the prison of the ego.”
— Rabbi Michael Berg, The Kabbalah Center
Painful experiences leave us feeling vulnerable—an opportune time for the ego because it creates its identity around pain. That’s what it knows. That’s what it’s comfortable with and that’s the language it understands. It wants to keep identifying with that negativity because then it has an identity.
If you feel physical sensations of anxiety, tension, fear, or anger, you are talking to the ego. If you feel physical sensations of lightness, love, energy, happiness, etc., you are talking to the higher self.
“The ego seeks to divide and separate. Spirit seeks to unify and heal.”
— Pema Chödrön
Ego keeps you in the past, our Higher Self focuses you on the present.
Ego wants, our Higher Self allows.
Ego doubts, our Higher Self trusts.
Ego judges, our Higher self accepts.
Ego stresses, our Higher Self addresses the stress and releases it.
Ego condemns, our Higher Self forgives.
Most relationship experts and marriage counsellors agree that an inflated ego and a healthy relationship do not and cannot go hand in hand.
A big ego will manifests itself in relationships in many different ways.
- The need to be right all the time
- A breakdown in communication
- Jealous and controlling behaviour
- Playing the victim
- Pride, Arrogance, and Self-Centeredness
- The inability to admit you are wrong and apologize
- Narcissistic tendencies and manipulation
- Feelings of resentment
- Having excessively high standards and expectations
- Unhealthy competition
You can battle the ego by reminding yourself from time to time that you are in a relationship and that your partner has an equal say in it.
The ego dislikes equilibrium, honest dialogue, and change in behaviour. The ego expects, even demands, that you continue to show up in your relationships just as you are. Don’t give your ego that satisfaction. Embrace change. It’s the only constant in our lives.
“A bad day for your ego, is a great day for your soul.”
— Jillian Michaels